The 1 Thing Therapists Do When They’re Really Pissed Off
Some emotions are easy to control, such as joy, excitement and fulfillment.But other emotions, like anger, are harder to control.However, therapists say that angry emotions are a necessary part of healthy emotions.
Anger is a beneficial emotion.It reminds us that something is wrong or that something has crossed the line – it lets us know that some kind of action needs to be taken.
Anger differs from many other emotional states in one point.Anger is an interesting feeling because compared to happiness, everyone can relate to it.
Anger can be overwhelming, but there is a smart way to deal with it (and then you can take some action).Here’s what a therapist will do when they’re really angry:
The best thing you can do is give yourself permission to feel angry.
“I give myself permission to be angry and recognize that I …… am angry and sad and I have to go with the flow,” psychologist and founder and CEO of The Black Girl Doctor, an online therapy and wellness platform, Taisha Caldwell-Harvey(Taisha Caldwell-Harvey) said.
In that moment, she’ll do what she needs to do to acknowledge the feeling, whether it’s venting, yelling, or whatever.
When you don’t allow yourself to feel anger, bigger problems arise.
When we repress anger, we experience a variety of adverse reactions both internally and emotionally.This can include ulcers, increased heart rate, elevated blood pressure, and more.
However, allowing yourself to feel anger doesn’t necessarily mean you have to live with it. Marrufo says she likes to play with the energy that comes from anger.”For me, anger can feel very intense and sometimes overwhelming,” she said.
Lifting weights, going to the batting cages or screaming in the car are all ways Marrufo vents her anger.”It feels like my pent-up energy …… can be released somewhere else,” she said.
Anger needs to be vented or it can turn into a more serious problem.For Marrufo, keeping these emotions bottled up means “maybe I’ll feel anxious later, or maybe I’ll still feel angry later.”
Once you have held back your anger, there are other ways to relieve your anger.Start by reflecting on what triggers the anger.
Once you’ve admitted you’re crazy, you’re ready to take action.
“I deal with anger through two steps that work well together.One step looks at the short term and the other looks at the long term,” says Siddiqi.”The first step is to calm myself in the moment and put my body in a less tense state – I pause to give my brain a chance to see that I’m not actually in danger and that I don’t need to be on the defensive.”
During this pause, Siddiqi said she would drink some water, a cup of tea or take a few deep breaths.”All of these steps are meant to get more oxygen to my brain and also help me focus more on the present moment,” she said.It also puts the body into a calmer state.
After a few minutes or hours, Siddiqi moves on to the next step.”That’s when I reflect on ‘Hey, what really triggered me?’Or ‘What can I do differently in the future?’to process my experience.”She said.
She would reflect on these thoughts by journaling, meditating or talking to trusted loved ones.”This step is really important because this is where growth really happens,” Siddiqi explains.
You can also try Adult Time Out.
Just as it can help kids calm down, it’s also a good idea to give yourself an “adult break” and some time alone when you’re feeling really angry, says South Carolina therapist McRae Carroll.
You can take 20 to 30 minutes to go for a walk or catch your breath a couple of times before you start a conversation that could get tense.
After the break, “come back and see if you can continue the conversation and see if you’re really making progress,” he says.It’s always a good idea to have an in-depth conversation when you’re in a calmer, more composed state.
Setting Boundaries.
They’re likely to set boundaries when they’re angry, which can validate their feelings, says Addyson Tucker, a Rhode Island psychologist.
“I can be angry about this,” they said.”What you say and do is wrong.”
These boundaries may include limiting the topics you’re willing to discuss, or even setting up physical boundaries between you and your loved ones – like not allowing your mom to drop by unannounced.
Anger is usually not enough to fulfill a specific need; boundaries are necessary.
Stay away from social media as much as possible.
When people are unable to express their anger directly, they may turn to social media.Sometimes people end up posting passive-aggressive posts to cope with the pain, which can make things worse.
We use social media or email to passively express our displeasure before we’re ready to really talk about it.
And avoid making major decisions.
It’s no secret that your mind wanders when you’re angry.Siddiqi said she would avoid making decisions when she was angry, especially those with major consequences.
In other words, don’t turn down an invitation to a family vacation because you’ve had a fight with your mom, and don’t email a coworker to confront them about behavior that upsets you.It’s easy to feel the need to make an immediate decision, but for most things, that’s not the case.
“In a state of anger or rage, I would say I don’t have to make a decision right away,” Siddiqi said.You can give yourself a few minutes to calm down and think before diving headfirst into something you may regret.
Finally, do what you think is right.
We now know that everything we feel has a purpose and we need to respond appropriately.
So just because a HIIT workout might be right for someone who is angry, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s right for you too.
Tucker said they never tell people their coping tools are wrong.Instead, they try to understand the purpose of the coping mechanisms.For some, anger is not simple – just think of the stereotypes of the “hot Latina” or the “angry black woman.”
For those who are not allowed to express their anger, there may be coping strategies that can help them mask or shift the language code in a way that is very unfavorable to them.It’s not good for their bodies, but it may actually be a way for them to survive.
So don’t be ashamed if your coping mechanisms aren’t on this list.Realize that your feelings may be deeply ingrained and signal a greater challenge.Especially for those who are marginalized – people of color, black people – we have a lot of anger that is sometimes not understood.
The same goes for historical trauma, which can come in the form of anger, or the anger that arises when injustices happen over and over again.Overcoming these things is not easy.
And understand that anger is necessary.
Emotions aren’t good or bad, and we shouldn’t see them as good or bad.There’s a reason we have such a wide range of emotions, and living a full life means you experience all of them.
While you can try to control your emotions, don’t be discouraged if your anger takes over from time to time.Practice makes perfect, and when it comes to managing your emotions, your progress will never be linear.
It’s human nature to make mistakes from time to time, so be kind to yourself if you find yourself relying on coping mechanisms that you want to stop using.
If you’re in a position to do so, consider finding a psychotherapist to help you regulate your emotions and feel more comfortable when anger strikes.Check out databases like Psychology Today or Inclusive Therapist for mental health professionals near you.