The Baby Was Born and I Had No Desire to Hold Her at All

Many people who aspire to become mothers or are about to become mothers look forward to the postpartum life may be like this: every day holding a cute little baby, singing lullabies to lull her to sleep; wearing loose and elegant breastfeeding clothes, lying comfortably in a rocking chair to breastfeed.

However, the real post-partum life is a very different picture: wounds hurt, breastfeeding hurts, there is no night to sleep, but also always worried about the child eat poorly, sleep poorly, development can not keep up.Every day, they are so anxious and disheveled that they are completely different from the elegant all-around moms in their imagination.

Because of various physiological and psychological and life changes, many new mothers may be depressed, worried and anxious or even short-tempered during that period of time after giving birth. If this situation lasts for a long time, and you can’t even establish an emotional connection with your baby, you have to consider the possibility of postpartum depression.

Postpartum depression isn’t just in the news, it’s all around us.

What is it like to go through postpartum depression?

The most prominent change in moms with postpartum depression is persistent low mood: they may be unhappy most of the day, and basically every day, and they may be worried and anxious and prone to temper tantrums.

In addition they have strong thoughts of self-blame and self-guilt: they have a lowered opinion of themselves and feel that they are incapable of taking care of their children and that they have wronged their children and their family.

Their thoughts are polarized: they use extreme language and attitudes such as “never”, “never”, “not at all”, and often imagine things much worse than they really are.They imagine things to be much worse than they really are.

They also often have escape fantasies: they fantasize about running far away, leaving all the pain behind, and getting a moment’s relief, but they often blame themselves for their thoughts and feel that they are being a bad mother, trapped in a kind of extreme conflict.Many moms have these thoughts occasionally when they are stressed or overworked, but usually not on a daily basis, and not in a state of self-blame and self-guilt.

Depression also affects the ability to think.One patient once described standing in front of a supermarket for half an hour without being able to remember what she wanted to buy.

Mothers with postpartum depression also experience many somatic symptoms, such as sleep disturbances, loss of appetite, loss of energy, and so on.However, since many mothers would have often had trouble eating and sleeping during the time when their babies were just born, the manifestation of somatic symptoms is often easily overlooked.

To differentiate between normal exertion and postpartum depression, consider the following questions: Is she not sleeping well because she keeps getting woken up by the baby, or can’t she sleep even when the baby is asleep?Does she skip meals because she’s too busy, or is she simply not interested in food?Similarly, does she neglect personal hygiene and dress because she wants to but is too busy to do so, or because she is depressed and doesn’t care about personal hygiene at all?

If you have a disease, you need to see a doctor and get treatment

If you feel that you or a family member is experiencing any of these symptoms, especially if these mood changes are completely out of line with the person’s usual behavior, or even make you feel that she is a completely different person, you should go to the hospital to confirm whether you have postpartum depression.You can also find the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale (EPDS) online for a prior assessment.

When they learn that they have postpartum depression, the first reaction of a significant portion of the population is to deny it, “It can’t happen to me”, “I never wanted to hurt my child, I shouldn’t have depression”, “This kind of feeling is something that many people who have”A lot of people have these feelings after having children, it’s not enough to be depressed.With this comes a sense of shame.Depression is often associated with “madness” and “mental problems”, and social prejudice makes many people think that people with depression are weak and incompetent, and some mothers feel even more self-blame and guilt.

Denial is also a common reaction from family and friends when they learn the news.They may say, “But you don’t have to think about anything right now, isn’t it the happiest thing in the world to just take care of your child?” or “You look great, look at how well behaved your baby is, surely there’s nothing wrong with it?”.Some people take depression lightly, believing that depression is just unhappiness and that it is better to think about it; others excessively demonize depression, believing that depression is a mental illness that only a very small number of people get and that it is impossible for their own family members to get it.

These misconceptions and avoidance can make the situation worse.In fact, getting postpartum depression recognized and diagnosed means that things are moving in a positive direction, and accepting reality and getting help means that it’s finally time to start making some changes.

Postpartum depression is not something that just gets better, and having reasonable expectations for recovery can also help the patient and family better face the process.The recovery process is slow and there will be ups and downs and repetitions. Many people may lose confidence and patience in the middle of the process, but this is normal and a necessary part of recovery.

What is the difference between postpartum depression and the “baby blues”?

Statistically, about 1 in 8 to 15 moms (that’s 7 to 13 percent) will be struck by postpartum depression, while the “baby blues” (baby blue) are much more common, at 80 percent.

There are many similarities between postpartum depression and the baby blues at the outset, such as low mood, irritability, worrying, poor sleep, etc. However, postpartum depression is far more severe than the baby blues, has a much more serious impact on your life and often requires medical intervention, which is why it is so important to recognize postpartum depression early and treat it as soon as possible.

There are three main differences between postpartum depression and the baby blues：

The first is the duration of the symptoms.While the baby blues get better after a few weeks postpartum, postpartum depression can last up to a year or even years.The second is the severity of the symptoms.Postpartum depression can seriously affect the patient’s life, allowing self-care to be compromised.The third is self-knowledge.Mothers with baby blues are often able to believe that they will slowly get better, whereas mothers with postpartum depression are often unable to look at themselves objectively, completely losing confidence in themselves and developing serious cognitive biases.

Multiple factors contribute to postpartum depression

After the baby is born, the levels of estrogen and progesterone in the mother’s body drop dramatically, with corresponding changes in other hormones and neurotransmitters.

One study found that there was a significant increase in cortisol hormone in mothers with postpartum depression compared to normal mothers, and that excess cortisol hormone is a major contributor to depression in stress-related models of depression.

Dramatic changes in estrogen levels can lead to a decrease in serotonin, which is one of the main physiological changes in depression, and this may be another factor in the development of postpartum depression.As for why some moms are more sensitive to the hormonal decline, this is likely related to individual susceptibility.Some studies have shown that the onset of postpartum depression is associated with overexpression of genes that regulate cellular hormone receptors.

In addition, the birth process is a tremendously stressful event for the mom, as are the changes in postpartum life, and these factors are also contributing factors to postpartum depression.Unlike general depression, postpartum depression affects not only the mother but also the cognitive and behavioral development of the newborn.

Please don’t fight it yourself

Treatment for postpartum depression includes psychosocial interventions, formal psychotherapy, and medication.Specific treatment options need to be communicated to the doctor by the patient and family together.

Antidepressants are the most common medication regimen for postpartum depression and work very well to help patients return to normalcy as soon as possible.However, many people are full of misgivings about taking medication, worrying that they will be treated differently by others and that they will lose their autonomy and become totally dependent on external medication.In fact, just like needing crutches to help get through a period of not being able to walk normally after a broken leg, antidepressants are like crutches to support us through the dark and difficult times, and once we are back to our normal selves, the medications, like the crutches, can be left behind.

Depressed moms often don’t want to see others and feel that they can rely on themselves for everything.Quite the contrary, isolation from society can make the condition worse and be very detrimental to recovery.When faced with postpartum depression, you should never fight it on your own.

Telling someone how she feels can be very difficult for a mom who is depressed after giving birth.She may feel that even her nearest and dearest cannot understand her feelings, and she may fear that if she tells others, she will be denied, stigmatized or even abandoned.Therefore, the support and encouragement of family members is particularly important.

As a family member of a person with postpartum depression, what can I do to

Accepting and recognizing his wife’s postpartum depression is not an easy task for a new father either.He may not understand at first: why does his wife look like a different person?While others are happy when they have a baby, why does she cry a lot and doesn’t smile at all?

Slowly, with all the nitty-gritty routines of caring for a newborn, and adjusting to his role as a father himself, he may become impatient and even lose his temper with his wife.

Understand her feelings and think differently and you may be less angry and confused.No one is a saint, and it’s perfectly normal to feel depressed, especially if your wife is throwing a tantrum and complaining.But in fact, in postpartum depression, her negative remarks are most likely not because she’s trying to blame someone else because she really wants to, but because she can’t handle her own emotions.

Arguing will not improve the situation, so tell her that you understand that she is in a very difficult situation and that you are willing to stand by her.Listen as patiently as you can to what your wife has to say and encourage her to talk more.When she can feel comfortable opening up to you about her most negative emotions and thoughts, she will also feel safer inside.

Although there are certain socio-familial factors that contribute to postpartum depression, a single socio-familial factor does not lead to postpartum depression; it is the result of a multitude of other biological factors, individual susceptibility factors, and so on, working together.When things go wrong, there is absolutely no need for family members to blame each other for who caused the depression.Repeatedly dwelling on the past doesn’t help the situation at hand; it’s more important to understand her and support her to help her through the dark times at hand.

Postpartum depression is not the fault of the mom or anyone else.It is an illness that is temporary and most people will recover and actively seeking help is a sign of courage.It is hard to carry through postpartum depression alone, and family and friends should be caring and understanding of moms with postpartum depression and stand firmly by their side as they walk through the darkness together.